if i were a flower
i would’ve died by now
from the sunlight
you barely even give me
but i’d still look pretty
for you
hide the ugliness
and pretend to be alright
even though i can’t
breathe anymore
even though
i am broken
my wounded petals
won’t fall down
i’ll hold on
to your stem
of thorns
even if it hurts
or it makes me
think i’m a fool
to stay
in this situation
where i’m always
the one
who’s hurt
Let’s Talk About: My 6-month-long Hiatus
I have to be honest, it feels so different to be back & feel like I’m starting all over again.
It’s been half a year – HALF A YEAR – since I disappeared from the blogosphere. I never even said goodbye or announced that I was going on a really long hiatus because I didn’t really anticipate it.
Blogging has been a big part of my life that I just couldn’t imagine a life without it. The real culprit was my busy schedule as a college student, which I totally did not see coming. As much as I wanted to write for the blog, it was either I had no time or I felt so tired to even get myself to write.
Then the pandemic came. I had no reason to say that I had no time or too tired to come up with a blog post but there I was being very anxious to be back. I had that feeling of guilt that I did not say a word before I left and I was unsure if I would still have something to get back to. I literally came to the point where I thought that maybe I should just call it quits.
For a whole two months of being in quarantine, I didn’t visit my blog and I decided to not think about it. I even deleted the WordPress app on my phone. Until one day I just couldn’t take it. I stayed in bed for hours scrolling through my old posts and reading the old comments. I was so jealous of that version of me having people to talk to from around the world. Someone who actually does something productive and shares positivity to the world. I was hurting that I even cried. It was heartbreaking for me.
I tried my best to fight my anxiousness of “not having something to get back to” so I wrote a blog post last month about how I’m trying to overcome anxiety during quarantine through music. Pressing the publish button felt so freeing for me. It’s like I finally broke the wall where I was hiding from and I was so ready to respond to comments, to talk to people again, and be the version of myself I envied just a few days ago.
But it didn’t turn out that way.
I had 4 people who liked my post. One of them was my boyfriend. Which means I brushed my anxiety away only for 3 people. My anxiety just got worse.
That was the time when I finally talked myself down to just quit blogging because maybe it really just wasn’t for me. So I did.
Four days ago, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. The typical Ryry move was to go to my blog, pour my heart out into writing or poetry, and publish it on my blog while I’m still crying. Yep, I’m on that dramatic level when I’m hurt. Surprisingly, I wrote a poem. I haven’t written a poem for months even though I forced myself to. That night I just did – for like, fifteen minutes.
I was really shocked that I got myself into writing again for the blog without even thinking about my anxiety. I just straight up wrote and posted it without thinking twice. And it felt REALLY good. I still got 4 likes but it felt different now. I am happy with it. (at least all of them were bloggers and not my boyfriend hahaha)
I realized that I was just lacking inspiration that’s why I couldn’t write before. My mind was busy thinking about other things that I just couldn’t make time for my blog. And I wasn’t mad at my boyfriend anymore because that fight got me into writing again and surprisingly inspired me to write more.
I’m more myself when I write.
Right now, I’m starting to really engage on my blog’s social media accounts which I have been failing on doing before. I’m doing a really good job right now that my recent tweet just blew up and I have met so many amazing bloggers! I can’t be any happier now that I triumphantly pushed my anxiety away.
If you’ve been following me since the previous years of my blog, no, I did not choose to stop blogging or be on that long hiatus. It was a matter of questioning myself and piecing myself back together again. It wasn’t easy. But it was definitely something that I learned so much from.
Being away and having all those thoughts in my head seem to make more sense now. Taking a rest is something any of us shouldn’t feel guilty of doing. I felt guilty about it that’s why I suffered and had breakdowns. But for you, if ever you’re not feeling like writing, NEVER feel bad about thinking to take a break. You deserve it from all the hard work you make.
Trust me, I got through it and I do not regret the rest I have taken 🙂
even if i keep my mouth shut
even if i keep my mouth shut
would you know that i’m hurting
would you care to know the reason
why i won’t say anything
even if i keep my mouth shut
would you check up on me
to make sure i’m okay
and not overthinking
even if i keep my mouth shut
would you see it from my eyes
am i fine and if i’m not
would you dare to lower your pride
even if i keep my mouth shut
would you choose to understand
why i’ve been this way
and stopped acting the same
even if i keep my mouth shut
will i be understood
cause i already spoke up
but your ears were trapped
now that i kept my mouth shut
would you understand why
would you sit down and think
what something wrong you did
i’ll keep my mouth shut
because for once i want you to be
the man who realizes the mistakes you make
without me having to explain myself
songs that help me go through quarantining ♫
so much has happened and is happening yet here i am with a blog post about my playlist. i know, very irrelevant.
to be honest, i don’t know anymore. i figured we’re just all surviving each day despite what’s happening around us. so much respect to everyone who cares and does not waste their opportunities to use their voices.
if you’re reading this, i want you to appreciate how long you’ve come and how you’re still choosing to live and to do what’s right in the midst of the cruelty we’re all seeing right now. i only have spent 4 times of just laying in bed, crying, and skipping meals for on and off anxiety attacks. we all have different ways of handling problems and coping with them. turns out mine’s through listening to some music.
if ever you’re feeling the same way and you’re just tired and want to zone everything out, i want to share with you the music i’ve been listening to to try and get by this quarantine.
allow yourself to have some “escape” through all these problems we’re facing with our eyes closed. it might not be possible to get away because we’re stuck at home, which makes this way worse, but we always have the choice to just be still and find our inner peace.
here are the songs that help me go through all these. hope you like them 🙂
please notice // christian leave
if my 16-year-old soul never left me, i’d probably be screaming and having christian leave in my phone lock screen. ever since i got to hear this song, it always made me feel something i couldn’t explain. it resembles how im feeling inside, (probably every song i listen to), how it’s loudly quiet. it’s as if i’m screaming but with soothing notes on it. i’m obsessed with this song and hits me differently. hope you’ll take a moment to listen to it!
i love you so // the walters
i don’t hate why i’m almost always singing this. i first heard this song in sara king’s cover (which is SO GOOD btw u have to listen to it). i love love love listening to the walters. their songs make me calm, specifically this one, even though i do not relate to the lyrics at all. it’s just a complete masterpiece.
i don’t wanna be okay without you // charlie burg
another artist i am praising right now. i love how charlie burg’s voice makes me just want to either cry or smile nonstop. i can imagine myself being in an indie romance movie and this is the background music. that shit would be so good 😭
huwag kang matakot // reese lansangan
in english, it means “don’t be afraid”. this is an OPM song that i certainly would recommend you to listen to. as you probably don’t know, i have a boyfriend now (lol i know) and i’ve last seen him 6 months ago. it’ll probably take much longer because of this pandemic and because of his military training, where he’s not going to be able to communicate with me for half a year. it’s scary. we both get scared and this song reminds us to not be afraid because we’ll both get through this. i’m sure this will hit different when we’re not going to be able to talk to each other anymore 😦
let’s fall in love for the night, i don’t miss you at all, break my heart again, etc // finneas
nobody’s asked me this, but finneas is definitely one of my most favorite musicians ever. his songs are those kinds that make me wanna spin and dance around the kitchen like no one’s watching. i’m a huge fan of claudia and his relationship and i can’t help but feel happy as his songs remind me so much of the both of them ❤
watch you sleep // girl in red
once this song played, there’s no way you can talk to me, interrupt me, or make me put my headphones down because this is just so good!! girl in red is one of my faves lately. this song specifically is very soothing and calming, just what i needed during this time. thank you to all the musicians who make the kind of music we definitely need at certain times like this.
it’s okay // clara benin
year 2017 and below, i never actually listened to OPM because i didn’t really like how opm musicians make music. turns out i was just missing out artists like clara benin. i figured i just didn’t like anything that’s mainstream. this song is about the “new normal” and is really one of the songs that helps me have hope for tomorrows even when there’s been crazy situations happening around us. this is definitely worth the time to listen to.
i still have lots of songs to share, like songs from lana del rey, clairo, the honeysticks, dayglow, and keiko necessario, but if i keep going this post would be really long 😂 i would recommend you listening to these artists because they’re just so different and so good. it makes me very emotional just listening to them.
i already i apologize for the length of this post at this point but let me just say a few words before ending this.
in my country, the Anti-Terrorism Bill has been raging over by the citizens for this will basically take our human rights for freedom of speech, etc. we cannot live in a country where we would plea for the injustices of the government and be called as a terrorist right after. there is so much wrong with the bill that our lives would not be the same anymore once this bill is pushed through. if you’ve got any chance, please help us by signing petitions and spreading this on social media so that more people could help and be aware of how this will affect the lives of the Filipino people.
another one is the Black Lives Matter movement. it pains me to see how many blacks are being shamed and worse, being physically attacked because of their race and skin color. let us use our voices and abilities to help restore humanity by fighting for our rights as humans. not only for the blacks, not only for a specific race but all rights of all the creatures here on earth.
let us sign petitions, donate if we can, and make use of the publicity to educate and make people aware of all the issues we are all facing today.
it is not an easy task to change society and better it. we are just individuals who are fighting different battles every day. as much as we want to tell everyone to ACT, we can never actually force them to, for we don’t know what they’re going through or what their beliefs are. we cannot force someone to fight for something when they also have something heavy on their shoulders at the moment. let us focus on doing our best for what we know is right and influence those people who could help us in restoring what’s been long missing in our humanity.
let us awaken people’s minds but keep the goodness within ourselves. we cannot fix a violent act by doing another violence. let us also not forget to have faith in Him and ask Him to help us and the people in the positions to have the minds that actually care for the welfare of everyone.
we can do this. i don’t know how you all are coping with these, but i know we can triumph over these if we just keep trying. every day we just keep trying and we never stop in fighting for what’s right.
we got this.
to someone i can’t lose
you know how much i love you. i love you that i don’t ever want to let go. i love you that i just want to hold you forever. i love you that i only want to be with you even on our worst days.
i hope you remember those precious days we had. that night when you were holding me closely by the lake. when you told me i was worth it. when you held me so tightly on your couch and our lips first met. the cold breeze as i wrap my arms around you while we were heading out of the city. i miss your soft whispers. i hope you miss mine.
it sure does hurt. it hurts that i can’t breathe. it hurts that i can’t hold back my tears any longer. it hurts that i’m gonna lose someone i’ve only ever loved.
you know i can’t lose you – and i don’t want to. but if you no longer want me to be around, you can just talk to me and tell me the truth. tell me that you’re over me and that i am so annoying. tell me the reason why i can’t be enough for you. tell me every little thing i have to hear so i would understand why you had to leave.
i don’t want you to go but for the last time, hold my hand and look me in the eyes while you say the words i need to hear so i can let go.
i will let go if you want me to go.
even if it kills me. if you don’t want me anymore, i’ll swear i’ll be better and i’ll even still ask for a chance for the eight time. you know what, all i ever wanted was you. i don’t want to let go. i don’t.
because i love you.
but if you don’t feel the same anymore, tell me and i’ll go.
just don’t leave me thinking that i don’t love you anymore. because i always will love you until my last breath. i want you to be happy. if happiness for you is being free, go.
i’ll let you let go of my hands and look away from my eyes. i’ll set you free like the birds in the sky.
even if i don’t want to.
life update // happy december!
A week ago, I told myself that I’ll start to become a morning person. But here I am at almost 2 am sitting in front of my laptop, writing for the blog.
Needless to mention, I also have a class at 8:30 tomorrow. Or should I say later?
But let’s look on the bright side: I’m actually writing for the blog, I am back, it’s the last month of the year, and it’s gonna be Christmas soon. That sounds more fun, right? Let us not think about how the hell am I going to roll out of bed later and wish for a miracle that I’m not going to be late.
Well, hello, my dear. I’m going to stop ranting and start talking about what the point of this post is all about. YOUR GIRL KINDA WENT MISSING FOR ALMOST 5 MONTHS IN THE BLOGOSPHERE!!!
I have been posting – writings that I just came up with while or after having coffee, or more accurately after having a painful heartbreak or experiencing how it feels to fall in love like oh my god this is sounding way toocheesynowibetterstop.
* clears throat *
Ladies and gents, here are the reasons why Ryry hasn’t been active on the blog.
c o l l e g e
So apparently, I’m in college now and I now have a completely different lifestyle than what I had before I moved to the city. Looking back to my February Diaries, I can tell how much I’ve matured mentally & emotionally and if you know me personally, I literally improved so much. I’m no longer that 18-year-old girl who looked like 12. I definitely look more mature now. Thank God.
Anyways, college life has been very busy. I barely have time to just sit and relax. Meaning, I just couldn’t make time for regular blogging anymore. But the good thing is, just like what I expected I like college so so so much.
This was the first time I ever went out of my town and live independently. I’ve always been fascinated with the idea of moving to another place, meeting new people, and starting a new life – I definitely think this was it.
t h e a t e r
If you’ve been following me on my socials (if not, everything is linked at the sidebar 😘) you might have seen my posts about “Dementia” – my first ever play. I got the lead role (Sophia) and it was sooo fun and overwhelming to finally be doing something that I truly am passionate about. Winning an academy award for best actress was one of my ultimate dreams, according to the 17-year-old Ryry in a post last year 😂 For now, being able to perform in front of thousands of people feels truly amazing to me ❤
Acting is fun but being part of the production team for me is wayyy more fun because it’s way more tiring and stressful that’s why it feels more rewarding when a play production becomes successful. I’ve been a part of both acting and prod team and I am proud to say that I’m not getting enough sleep yet I am so productive the entire day. And night. But I am enjoying my time SO MUCH in this theater organization I am in and that’s what matters the most :))
It’s almost 3 and I’m still awake. When will I ever learn to sleep early??? (ooh I just suddenly thought of writing ‘get enough sleep‘ in my new year’s resolution) 😂
I guess those are just some of the major reasons why I couldn’t blog and those are also to update you on what’s happening in my life right now because yeah I’m still alive and breathing, I was just really busy 😂 I’m excited to start Blogmas! I’m thinking of formally starting Blogmas this year since it went all over the place last year. But since I still don’t know whether I’ll be busy or not this month, I can’t promise – but I really want to and I’ll still find a way 🙂
I would be so glad if you tell me what’s the biggest thing or the most exciting thing that’s happening in your life right now! I missed chatting with all of you ❤
comment away!
Dear Hailey, please tell your owner I said this.
I’m so thankful that you happened to me. I don’t even know what to do next, or what to expect. Maybe I’ll just let the days pass and see what happens. No matter where this takes me, I know for sure there’s a purpose behind all these.
There’s one thing I’m sure of, that I’m gonna be so full of love for myself so I’ll never run out of it when I give it out to someone.
I wish we still could have closure.
I knew myself better because of you. I know I’m still a really rough diamond. I’m gonna be a polished, shimmering one soon. I hope that when that day comes, we could do everything that we did again.
We could go out the city again and look at the lights by the lake. Or spend time together in each other’s arms. We could even write songs together. Eat together, that’s probably what I’m gonna miss the most.
It’s just sad that everything we planned to do when you go away will just be a memory in my head. Everytime a grab a cup of coffee , you’re the only person I will always think about. I wonder if this will ever end because you know how obsessed I am with coffee 😂
Anyways, I hope you become so happy wherever life may take you – even if that doesn’t include me anymore. I wish you can find true happiness inside of you.
I just wish you’ll never fall in love again with anyone else, because I’ll still be here waiting.
Like I promised you in the letter I wrote that you kept in your wallet… I’ll wait.
I’ll wait until you come back, that’s a promise.
from the coffee shop
she looked over her shoulder
to see how far she was
from the broken old her.
she smiled and looked straight ahead
and then there was him.
how they both wished this would never end.
soon he’ll leave
but in her heart he’ll stay
and in his heart she’ll stay.
it was an unpredictable ride
never knowing they’d find love
from the friendship they once had
living in the moment
a love that started from a coffee shop
hoping how their hearts beat never stops.
i’ll wait.
the smell of coffee in the afternoon air welcomed me as i walked inside our favorite coffee shop.
it only meant that i’ll see you again.
we switched places because i don’t wanna recall the pain i felt when we had a misunderstanding the last time we were here.
i grabbed my coffee, took a sip, and we started telling stories about ourselves.
we want to know each other better. we want to hear the words from our mouths without being sugar coated even by little lies.
we stayed there for two hours while having deep conversations like we’re the only ones in the room.
at eight, we decided to go out the city.
we took the bus and went to the lake. we strolled along the lakeside for minutes and sat on the grass where we could see the lights reflecting on the water perfectly.
i leaned on to you as you wrapped your arms around me.
the feeling was so good that it hurts.
i looked up to see a few stars shining above us. i wish there were more of them.
i went back to see the reflection of the lights in the lake. i love how simple things like this make me so happy.
we stayed there for three hours – no phones, just the two of us.
we talked about serious things and my heart skips a beat everytime you said something sweet about me.
i wish it could be like that forever.
i wonder if i never met you.. where would i be that night?
alone in my bedroom, for sure.
i’m so happy i met you. i’m so happy that i finally met someone who helped me see my worth, to find out who i really am, and appreciate all of it despite the imperfections i have.
when you leave, i’ll miss the same feeling i felt whenever we’re inside that coffee shop. i’ll miss the feeling i had while we watch the lights from the lakeside outside the city.
i’ll have to wait for a year to see you again and spend a special night like this with you again.
it will be hard but it will be worth the wait.
it may feel like forever – still, i’ll wait.
September 25th
She felt perfect that day. She was gonna meet him again. It was all rainbows and butterflies until it rained.
Her mood suddenly changed. She wouldn’t respond to his messages at all. She was supposed to meet him.
She was annoyed but she wanted to feel his comfort.
So they met.
She was still not in the mood to talk. But he was different. He touched her like no one ever has.
He brushed his lips unto her cheeks – then to her lips.
Her heartbeat became faster. I haven’t had a first kiss. I’m afraid I don’t know how to kiss, she thought.
He kissed her.
And the world disappeared.
She couldn’t quite feel anything.
Was it right? Was it wrong? Was it worth it? Was it not?
Nevertheless, she felt important. She felt special.
He held unto her like he wasn’t gonna leave. So tightly like he’s gonna make it last forever.
The time has come to an end.
She had to leave. Even if she wanted more.
They both wanted more.
Was it right? Was it wrong? Was it worth it? Was it not?
Nevertheless, she felt important. She felt special.
She hoped that the way he held unto her meant he wasn’t gonna leave her – and that they would last forever.
