I have to be honest, it feels so different to be back & feel like I’m starting all over again.
It’s been half a year – HALF A YEAR – since I disappeared from the blogosphere. I never even said goodbye or announced that I was going on a really long hiatus because I didn’t really anticipate it.
Blogging has been a big part of my life that I just couldn’t imagine a life without it. The real culprit was my busy schedule as a college student, which I totally did not see coming. As much as I wanted to write for the blog, it was either I had no time or I felt so tired to even get myself to write.
Then the pandemic came. I had no reason to say that I had no time or too tired to come up with a blog post but there I was being very anxious to be back. I had that feeling of guilt that I did not say a word before I left and I was unsure if I would still have something to get back to. I literally came to the point where I thought that maybe I should just call it quits.
For a whole two months of being in quarantine, I didn’t visit my blog and I decided to not think about it. I even deleted the WordPress app on my phone. Until one day I just couldn’t take it. I stayed in bed for hours scrolling through my old posts and reading the old comments. I was so jealous of that version of me having people to talk to from around the world. Someone who actually does something productive and shares positivity to the world. I was hurting that I even cried. It was heartbreaking for me.
I tried my best to fight my anxiousness of “not having something to get back to” so I wrote a blog post last month about how I’m trying to overcome anxiety during quarantine through music. Pressing the publish button felt so freeing for me. It’s like I finally broke the wall where I was hiding from and I was so ready to respond to comments, to talk to people again, and be the version of myself I envied just a few days ago.
But it didn’t turn out that way.
I had 4 people who liked my post. One of them was my boyfriend. Which means I brushed my anxiety away only for 3 people. My anxiety just got worse.
That was the time when I finally talked myself down to just quit blogging because maybe it really just wasn’t for me. So I did.
Four days ago, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. The typical Ryry move was to go to my blog, pour my heart out into writing or poetry, and publish it on my blog while I’m still crying. Yep, I’m on that dramatic level when I’m hurt. Surprisingly, I wrote a poem. I haven’t written a poem for months even though I forced myself to. That night I just did – for like, fifteen minutes.
I was really shocked that I got myself into writing again for the blog without even thinking about my anxiety. I just straight up wrote and posted it without thinking twice. And it felt REALLY good. I still got 4 likes but it felt different now. I am happy with it.
(at least all of them were bloggers and not my boyfriend hahaha)
I realized that I was just lacking inspiration that’s why I couldn’t write before. My mind was busy thinking about other things that I just couldn’t make time for my blog. And I wasn’t mad at my boyfriend anymore because that fight got me into writing again and surprisingly inspired me to write more.
I’m more myself when I write.
Right now, I’m starting to really engage on my blog’s social media accounts which I have been failing on doing before. I’m doing a really good job right now that my recent tweet just blew up and I have met so many amazing bloggers! I can’t be any happier now that I triumphantly pushed my anxiety away.
If you’ve been following me since the previous years of my blog, no, I did not choose to stop blogging or be on that long hiatus. It was a matter of questioning myself and piecing myself back together again. It wasn’t easy. But it was definitely something that I learned so much from.
Being away and having all those thoughts in my head seem to make more sense now. Taking a rest is something any of us shouldn’t feel guilty of doing. I felt guilty about it that’s why I suffered and had breakdowns. But for you, if ever you’re not feeling like writing, NEVER feel bad about thinking to take a break. You deserve it from all the hard work you make.
Trust me, I got through it and I do not regret the rest I have taken 🙂